Like many, my heart has been wrenched by the shootings in Connecticut.
My mind has been struggling to make sense of it all - why did this happen?
There are so many people who are affected by what transpired at the Sandy Hook Elementary School.
There are families who have been ripped apart, first responders and survivors who have to live with the horrors and images and the guilt of having survived.
Then there is a nation and a world that is shocked.
There are literally millions of people asking the question "Why?"
From everything I have read, 20-year-old Adam Peter Lanza, was a troubled young man.
He had a demanding mother, he was socially awkward, he was described by many as repressed, not connected. There are many speculating as to why that is. Reports are circulating that Adam was autistic, I suppose at some point we will learn more about this broken soul, in the meantime, I have some thoughts on this subject and it is my hopes that I can relieve my heartache some and maybe yours by sharing some conversation.
There is an old saying that it takes a village to raise a child.
Bullying happens not just at school, but at home too.
I was a child who was bullied by her mother. My mother had very high expectations and zero patience. She was an alcoholic who liked no one, not even herself and pushed everyone who loved her, away.
Until the age of 12 my father was my hero, my knight in shining armour, my saviour. He used to take us kids out ski-dooing and tobogganing, for Sunday drives. When I hit 12, things changed - my father became my worst nightmare.
So here I was, with a mother who liked to beat on me physically and mentally, who spoke the cruelest of words and had no tolerance for mistakes or tardiness on one side of me, and a father who treated me like a wife - physically and mentally. No one was protecting me, I was a pawn in my parent's chess game.
In school, I was socially awkward, I had all of these horrible secrets living inside of me.
I felt dirty, unlovable, broken.
No one at school asked me any questions or reached out to me. Not even those I looked to for friendship. In fact, I was bullied and taunted by the "cool" people and even those I called friend, people who did things to me no human being should have to suffer.
Our parish priest never reached out, neither did my teachers.
I had to look after my two brothers and my sister, I cooked the family meals, did the majority of the housework and began working at a very early age to get out of the house.
Work became my salvation for many reasons - it helped me to see that other people lived differently - that things could be different.
At 17, I was on nerve pills and tranquillizers, there was a painful battle going on in my mind, I was so tormented, I wanted to save me and I wanted to help my siblings, but I felt powerless. My doctors never asked why I was such a bundle of nerves - no one it seemed cared enough to ask.
Through lots of counselling and self exploration, I have come to a place of peace with all of those terrible things that people did to me. I have come to understand that the people who hurt me, were themselves hurt and broken. Too often the victim becomes the victimizer.
We become what we are taught.
Do I understand what motivated Ryan Lanza? In some ways, I believe I might.
You see, many times as a young woman I wanted to kill my mother - I wanted to kill my father - I wanted to kill myself, I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to quit feeling powerless.
I wanted someone to love me, to fix me so I could be loveable.
And so today, I think to myself, there but for the grace of God go I.
My daughter once asked me how I became as "normal" as I am - this after a particularly brutal experience with my mother....
I told her that - "You never came with an instruction manual, and I was brought up being taught the wrong messages. All I could do as I raised you my girl, was to do something different than what had been done to me and to be honest with you when I felt I was wrong regarding my conduct and actions towards you."
Our systems in North America are broken, they always have been - they have been flawed right from the beginning if you ask me. We do not teach our children the real tools to living successfully.
We do not teach them that their thoughts are powerful, we do not teach them how to be of service to each other.
We have been taught and encouraged, to be selfish.
We have been taught to stay small in our thinking and our capacity to care - to be empathetic.
We have been encouraged to be self indulgent and self involved.
We give everything a label, we focus on illness and lack - the poor me syndrome abounds.
We wear dis- ease like an excuse to not expect better of ourselves - we have become martyrs to our circumstances and our feelings.
We fight against everything we dislike instead of working towards what we want.
We focus on the bad - more often than not.
And as a result the war on terror brings more terror, the war on drugs brings more drugs.
Thoughts are powerful things.
Look around you, everything you see started with a thought, from the lightbulb that lights your room to the fan that cools you, someone had to think about the creation before it came to be.
Over the years there have been many great teachers who have imparted information on how to live a full, rewarding and abundant life.
The message is delivered differently but it is always the same:
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought." Buddha (563 BCE-483 BCE)
"What you resist persists". Carl Jung (1875-1961)
"The vibrations of mental forces are the finest and consequently the most powerful in existence".
Charles Haanel (1866-1949)
"Every thought of yours is a real thing - a force". Prentice Mulford (1834-1891)
Thoughts become things". Mike Dooley
”Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character; for it becomes your destiny.”
Upanishads
”Change your thoughts and you change your world.” Norman Vincent Peale
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.” -Mahatma Gandhi
“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.” – Napoleon Hill
Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Copyright © 1972 by Dorothy Law Nolte
How many of you are too busy earning a living and the toys you want to spend time with your children, guiding them, loving them - being patient - teaching and leading by example?
When was the last time you did something for someone just because you could, with no strings attached - no expectation of anything in return?
When was the last time you met someone who looked uncomfortable, sad, broken and you reached out your hand in empathy and caring to support them, to find out about them, to be kind to them?
I will never know how different my life could have been had someone, anyone reached out to me - but I do know this - over the course of my life, whether they knew it or not, there have been people who shared the smallest tidbits of wisdom that somehow penetrated the cement that was building around my heart and mind - that created cracks in the fortress of protection I was building, that allowed me to see a different way...
This is the credo that has become my life...
“Each time I perform an act of kindness, a part of me heals.”
― Lupi Ngcayisa
Taking away guns is never going to stop tragedies like this one in Connecticut from happening. Punishing the many for the sins/crimes of the few NEVER works.
Just look around you and you know it is so.
So how do we heal hearts and minds and change things?
By becoming invested in being the change we want to see in the world.
If you want to see more love, you have to give it.
If you want to see more patience you have to give it.
If you want to see peace, you have to act from a place of peace.
If you want to see more kindness, you have to extend it.
Do to others as you would have them do to you. Luke 6:31
BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD .
In the wise words of Mother Theresa:
“The way you help heal the world is you start with your own family.”
And that's where my heart is today.
Belt Drive Betty
Editor & Rider