Thursday, March 03, 2011

Feeling helpless...dealing with imminent death

This is a very personal subject. Death, having to say good bye.

My husband's best friend Dave was airlifted to the U of A in Edmonton from Dawson Creek about 12 days ago. He was unconscious and actually died three times on the way.

While I headed to Red Deer and the bike show and then in to Edmonton to see the old boy in the hospital, Mark headed to Dave's in BC and helped to secure his home and possessions and ensure that bills and mortgage could be paid on time to protect Dave's credit and possessions.  Mark is a worrier and frets over anything that affects his friends or family. He is compassionate and loving and very generous of heart. Don't get me wrong - he also has an iron wall that can come down - it very seldom happens, but when it does it is terrifying.

We got the call last night that every one dreads - the same one I dealt with last June when my brother was diagnosed terminal with lung cancer. Dave's condition had worsened - the doctors after running numerous tests finally figured out what was causing Dave's poor health and decline. He has esophageal cancer. The family is having an open house at the U of A for friends to come say good bye to Dave. On Sunday they will pull him off of life support.

Needless to say my husband was busy making phone calls to friends to let them know what's going on. The iron curtain has fallen and I seem helpless to be able to get through it. I know it will lift again and am working really hard to allow him to grieve in his own way.

He feels regret for not going to Edmonton to see Dave while he was conscious - doesn't know if he wants to go to see him now or to simply remember him as he was - apparently this very slight man is down to 80 pounds. Mark is torn. He and Dave had a holiday to Vancouver Island on the bikes planned for this riding season.

They will still go on holiday together but this time one won't come back. Dave's deepest desire is to have his ashes scattered at his mom's grave. So Mark and Dave's brother Scott are taking the trip together on bikes to do just that.

My  heart aches - Dave is my friend too and I feel rather helpless right now - I know what lies ahead and I am powerless to stop the hurt my husband is feeling - he's inconsolable - all I can do is be patient, give him whatever support he'll allow and let him grieve.

Love is a deep emotion - it brings with it immense highs and terrible lows - today is one of those terrible moments...God Speed Dave, be out of pain, know you are loved - it's OK to let go....We'll be OK.

I remember saying those words to my Dad, my Grandpa, my uncle and my brother...having to say good bye, giving them permission to let go...it a hard thing to do when all you want to do is beg them to stay, don't leave me....and yet - it is what we must do.

I love my family - the blood kind and the wind kind. 
As I said, love is a deep emotion and right now I feel very fierce and protective and yet helpless.

Today I really need you to know that no matter when we disagree - family we will always be and I do love you all in my own way.

Have a loving day today in honour of all those who are no longer with us and those whose departure is imminent.


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3 comments:

  1. Unknown8:29 AM

    Hey hon .... luv ya! Please take care of yourself. Having been there WAY too many times myself ... my heart breaks for you.
    Big hugs.

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  2. Arizonaheart8:31 AM

    My thoughts are with you and yours in this difficult time. I know how terrible it feels. Four years ago, at the age of 63, I had to elect no further treatment for my Mom. It was a simple bladder infection, but she was incapable of caring for herself, and the last time it happened, she let me know she wanted to die. So, as horrible as it was, I honored what was best for her, which was the worst for me. I can't put into words how awful that experience was. I was very angry at God for making me an only child and the only one responsible for this decision. I prayed so hard that He would just take her, so it wasn't left in my hands. After it was all said & done, I gained perspective. I was given the opportunity to carry out her wishes, and the chance to hear how much she loved me one more time. Didn't make it less painful, but the realization has allowed me some peace.
    As you well know, it's a horribly difficult time. You're doing exactly the right thing. Your man knows you're there for when he needs you, and that is great comfort whether he shows it or not. You're not helpless, you're doing the very thing that is required of the situation.
    God Bless
    Sharon Lynn

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  3. mq0112:09 PM

    god speed dave

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